I am a Generation X parent. Which means that I can’t help it – for me for every task in life there is a book which tells you how to go about it.
When pregnant, my brow was knit in a permanent frown of worry, constantly contemplating how to be a good parent. I remember having a coffee with my father asking him what he had read before I was born, to, you know prepare himself for parenthood. He looked at me incredulously with a where-did-I-fail-with-this-one kind of look. What? What’s wrong, I said. He sighed: “Binti. There’s nothing to read. You just get on with it.” He was right of course. What once we did intuitively has become an expert’s arena.
But that still left me clueless. So I turned to my mother, who well aware of my fear, nay, terror of childbirth, pointed me in the direction of a humorous book: ‘Stand and Deliver’. “The trick is to avoid books with the real pictures,” she said. And I cheerfully read my way through a book which declared that ‘at the very least it will provide a useful door wedge to keep unwanted visitors out of the delivery suite”.
That was that. But then, after I actually managed to stand and deliver, in came a flood of parenting manuals, telling me what to expect when the baby is 2 months 3 days 5 seconds old; how wrong it is if baby is not sleeping fourteen hours; how to be strict and regimental about feeding. They all came with pastel covers and a happy cooing toddler on the front. Most implied the hard work that it all entails: a child presents an endless series of problems, which must be corrected or regulated. Each time I opened the books and consulted the oft conflicting advice, the feeling of inadequacy as a mother increased in direct proportion.
Till one day, I came across a little book written a couple of decades ago, entitled simply: ‘How not to be a perfect mother’. Based on Libby Purves' own experience of domestic havoc with two babies, this was witty and wise and oh! so full of down-to-earth tips and hilarious anecdotes. What a refreshing peace of mind, it gave me.
Then came Andrew Clover’s ‘Dad Rules’. Here’s what Clover has to say about parenting books:
“There’s one – two hundred pages long! – called Everything you need to know (in the first months of a child’s life). I’m thinking: Is there that much I should have known? I could boil my experience down to three sentences of advice:
1. Don’t be reading two-hundered-page books. Try to sleep.
2. Don’t let them suck too long or mum’s nips will really hurt
3. Get out of the way when they puke”
Ah. What’s not to love about a book like this? It’s not a manual. It’s for mums. It’s for dads. It’s for parents who ask questions like: “Will I see my friends again? Will I have sex again?” And by the way it’s also for non-parents. I gave it to my sister who said after: “I’m in love. He’s the guy of my dreams.”
And yet brilliant as he is, Clover doesn’t stand an inch next to the author of the best-est parenting manual ever written. ‘The Idle Parent’ by Tom Hodgkinson. I think no new parent should leave Mater Dei without it. Health Secretary Cassar should really make a plea for an extended budget for it. It is helpful, to be sure, but more than that, it’s consoling and encouraging. Hodgkinson argues that kids and adults alike need to play more and work less: “We put far too much effort into parenting. If we leave our kids alone, they will become more self-reliant and we’ll be able to lie in bed for longer.” It is endearing, cheerful, comic but oh-so-sane and liberating.
Here are bits from his manifesto for the Idle Parent:
- We reject the rampant consumerism that invades children from the moment they are born
- We lie in bed for as long as possible
- Time is more important than money
- Happy mess is better than miserable tidiness
- We play in the fields and forests
- More play, less work
These three books actually confirm what I think we all know deep down: Parenting doesn’t require hard work per se. It’s a change in lifestyle, sure, but that doesn’t mean that it still can’t be a laid back one. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what you feed kids or how early you start teaching them Mandarin Chinese. What matters is that you, as the parent are actually happy yourself - because kids copy their parents’ outlook on life.
So, go on now: those those parenting manuals!
The only three books parents need to read:
1. The Idle Parent by Tom Hodginkson (ISBN 9780241143735)
The king.
2. Dad Rules by Andrew Clover (ISBN 9781905490301)
It’s all about how kids teach you to be happy
3. How not to be the Perfect Mother by Libby Purves (ISBN 9780007163847)
Hilarious and down-to-earth tips
If you insist on reading more, go for these:
4. Affluenza by Oliver James (ISBN 978-0091900113)
Not really a parenting manual but a good study of today’s consumerist society in which we’re raising kids
5. Summerhill School – A new view of Childhood by A.S. Neill (ISBN 9780312141370)
How free kids perform better at school and in life
6. Impro for Storytellers by Keith Johnstone (ISBN 0571190995)
Handy tips for storytelling
7. The Spoilt Generation by Aric Seigman (ISBN 9870749941482)
How children are not spoilt because parents are failing to offer a supporting structure
8. Under Pressure by Carl Honore (ISBN 9780752879765)
From the guy who founded the ‘Slow food movement’ this is all about ‘slow parenting’
9. What really works for kids by Susan Clark (ISBN 0593049195)
The ultimate alternative health guide
10. Stand and Deliver by Emma Mahony (ISBN 0007153996)
Don’t give birth without this book.
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